11.20.19 - Overwhelm

Well, would you look at this. It's been nearly 4 years since I last posted and this blog still does exist :P Compared to any blog I look at these days, this one is pretty rough looking. But that's okay. That's not the purpose that I came back to it (honestly I had forgotten about it for a few years there). But this morning, while I was having a little breakdown, I thought, that maybe if I just get words out, it will help me feel better.
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So, I opened up my gmail and composed an email to myself. And I think it kind of helped. Or the 10 minutes of alone time to bawl my eyes out that I was able to manage while my boys played nicely was what did the trick. Either way, I wrote this jumble of words below. It's not neat or thought through or anything. It's just raw honesty of things floating out. It seems every month or so I go through this day or two where I feel like I'm in general just being sh*tty at life. I suppose we all go through this from time to time. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself at this moment.
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So, I decided I'm going to post it out in the interwebs...honestly, hoping that no one I actually know still comes back here and reads it. Maybe somehow this will give me some sort of accountability to get something figured out. Or, maybe it will be another 4 years before I come back and embarrassingly read these words (if I don't delete it 2 hours after I post it that is...) - So, without further ado, words from me, from 5 hours ago that I was typing just to get it out of me. And ended in a pretty good question to get answered. The funny thing is...my 5 year old is what stopped my typing. He came into my room with a heart he had colored to help me feel better. <3
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I hate to say it. But I think I'm overwhelmed. I've never wanted to use that word. Or more like I never thought I should be overwhelmed. Not at this point in my life. I cried and dreamed of having this job for the first year of our oldest son's life. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Be with him and his future siblings every day. To nurture, care for, play and create with, and just be with them. But now he is 5 and younger brother is 2.5 years old. And here it is. I am overwhelmed. And I think the thing that makes it so hard for me, is that I don't think I should be overwhelmed and that may be the hardest part of it all. Putting myself down for finally coming to a point of letting myself think I am overwhelmed when I think to myself that I have no reason and shouldn't be overwhelmed. But I am. And it comes in phases. I'd say every few weeks or once a month. I feel like there is more I should be doing and other things I shouldn't be doing that I am doing to much of. 

Too much screen time for the boys, too much time for me endlessly scrolling (which more than likely leads to comparisons that I'm not doing enough of the 'right' things and too much of the 'wrong' things). 

I'm not sitting down and playing enough. I'm not working hard enough to get them to eat healthier meals instead of the five things they will eat on repeat. 

I feel like I should be doing something to help financially. 

I should be finding ways to save more money. 

I'm not setting a good enough example of how to be healthy (but currently working on this, Day 3 of a 21 day workout program!). 

I'm not teaching them how to play independently. 

I lose my self control and yell at them too much. 

They don't listen to my directions enough and seem to have meltdowns every time they are told no and that is my fault. 

I'm not getting them outside enough to run around when the conditions aren't picture perfect. 

I'm not setting up invitations to play or create. 

I'm not keeping the house clean enough, the laundry done, beds made, counters clear, messes tidied, meals made. 

I'm not doing it right. 

That's how I feel. And it hurts.

And every few weeks I come up with ideas on how to fix it. Go to bed earlier so you can get up earlier and get things done before they get up. Set up a schedule or a routine for my day and stick to it. Meal plan healthy meals and make them and figure out how to teach the boys to eat better. But I never get it to stick. Then I think, just try one thing. That's why I've started (for the 4th time) a workout program. I don't know exactly why, but I think this time it is going to stick. Partially because I have 2 different friends I am doing it with. But then I do the one thing and it's not like I have nothing else to do with my day. I end up getting sucked into the screen. Sitting down doing nothing or not getting the things done that I want. I know I need a list to keep me going but I always fall off it after a few days. I'm trying and it's hard, because every month-ish I fall apart again. Start crying that I'm not enough. Not doing what I should be for my family. Failing. Beating myself up because it shouldn't be this hard. I'm a freaking stay at home mom, I tell myself it shouldn't be this hard. Plenty of other moms keep their houses clean and food on the table while also working 40+hour weeks. Other moms are single parents and don't have a partner that helps out in the evenings and on weekends.

So why can't I figure it out? Isn't this what I wanted to do? Be home with my boys. Spend time with them? So why do I lash out at them. Why do I turn the TV on so I can have some quiet and use it as a babysitter so I can get things done (but then feel like I've accomplished nothing)? Why can't I just figure out a fucking cleaning schedule and stick to it? Why can't I get a damn routine in place? Why can't I find a motivation in anything? Shouldn't it be the boys that I stay home with?